out of kindness I suppose

This is a bit tough for me, in a way I'm dragging myself back to this forum not because I want to write but because I have to. I'm struggling inside right now; of course I'll work it out but you - if you choose, can share in this process. What's in it for you? Well I have no real confidence in my entertainment value, certainly I can't compete with Dancing With The Stars but maybe I can give you a tickle that resonates somewhere deep within. Perhaps provide the shadow of a thought that runs through your mental stream as well as mine.

I was walking today around the small body of water that I tend to circle once or twice a week chewing on my thoughts when I looked over at a man walking towards me, a bit older than I and much more weathered. I nodded and went back to my revery when, as we passed he looked at me and said "no one really cares." A bit odd, sure, but you meet all kinds and normally I just smile and keep walking, perhaps a little swifter until I'm out of earshot but today, for some reason I don't know why, I guess I was feeling a bit melancholy, I stopped and looked at him and said "you're right - no one cares." He looked at me for a bit and then said "You know there are over a thousand homeless veterans in this city and no one gives a damn." Ok I had his number now, he was dressed appropriately and seemed cognizant, wasn't a bum and definitely a vietnam era soldier. I can tell, I've been around them enough. I told him I too was a veteran though not of Vietnam and abruptly he turned in my direction and with a nod we began to walk together, talking about the problems of post traumatic syndrome. He was retired and now he worked with the homeless and with the mentally ill in prison. He had a mission and I let him go on and on about the injustices and the efforts and the enormity of the problem and his little push back at the great beast. Pre-retirement he had spent his career building low cost housing in the south. This was a man of great passion and in the face of immense adversity stood with his back held straight facing into the winds of misfortune, rescuing whom he could. We didn't talk long maybe twenty minutes before we went our separate ways. At parting we exchanged names, his was David, same as mine. He looked at me, cocked his head and said you know what David means in Hebrew? I didn't - "Beloved of God" he said. I smiled and thanked him and went along my journey home. This short conversation has stayed with me all day today and now I feel how it's pulled and tugged at my inner landscape until these words come spilling out.

Why does this affect me so? As I struggled I think I stumbled upon a small part of the equation. I've been caught up in my own little world. When things didn't turn out the way I wanted or I became confused because I couldn't understand something I would retreat and hide behind a dark, quiet exterior. God knows I don't want to turn this into an emo blog but it's important for me to understand the lessons of the universe as best I can whenever they're offered.

This man today survived his life. I say survived accurately, because he too had suffered post traumatic disorders and survived only by reaching within and finding a deep passion for helping others like him. This is the model I think we could all do well to emulate. Not necessarily dedicating our lives to helping the misfortunate, a great concept but I certainly couldn't do it. No, the model is really to acquire or rather bring forth a passion from within that inspires you and others. Not just raise it to the surface and wave it as a flag but to live into that passion fully, to own it and identify yourself with it, acknowledging that to this concept you are willing cede control, raising it above the petty concerns that others would weigh you down with.

I know we grow so diffused by the everyday struggles that when we do find dreams or desires that fit this bill they seem impossibly far way or even silly. We say no, I can't have that, tone it down and settle for something 'reasonable'. We compromise and continue in a half hearted fashion, justifying it all along the way. "I have responsibilities, they need me, I'm not capable of that." Never once do we live into our full being, never for a moment considering that in our reason and passion for existence, all these problems, these concerns, are solved as a by-product of our reach for glory. The Universe does not play to an empty dance hall. The band knows the dancers and each affect the other.

Or we look inside and discover emptiness, well it's not really that we're empty, we're just not letting a light shine into the right spaces. It's there, but truthfully, it takes a bit of confidence and pure plain guts to grab something and run with it. If you don't have that - well, then what are you doing here, you should have checked out after the second paragraph. Of course it's there, it's you who's scared to accept it, to taste it, to play with it and be played with. Maybe it doesn't look like what everybody has told you it should look like - 'all your fucking life'. Frankly - screw 'em. It has to grab you and captivate you, force you to take a deep breath in awe and ecstasy, knowing that this is why you're here, this is it, this is the reason - and then it doesn't let you go. When you get to that point where you're scared breathless and shitting bricks well then, dammit, grasp the lightning bolt and shimmy on board howling in pure glory and grit and ride it all the way down to the strike. Then get up, shake yourself off and look for the next bolt. You deserve to have this much fun in this world, in this life.

My passions are writing, painting, philosophy and designing/developing cutting edge software so rad it rattles your teeth. My love is serving my community, my fellow yogis and assisting them with grace and tenderness. This they return in kind and I revel in the energy we build together during the space and time of a vinyasa session. My greatest gifts are my beloved friendships. This is a relatively new concept to me. I've had friends of course, good friends - trustworthy and generous but now, around me is a small group whom I love deeply and they, in turn, love me to no end and this is a truly great honor, this is my Guard. The Universe, when we allow it, smotes( I do like this word) us boldly and says Go Forth! Go, do not rest on mundane matters but raise your challenges as a road in front of you and each mile you cover begets a span of passion, each moment you grow emboldens you and allows you to overcome that which would deny you your true heritage, your magnificent purpose, at this moment on this planet - to be a shining, infinite being that lights the way for others.