Time To Check Your Dance Cards

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people."

This has become one of my favorite quotes. It's by Randy Pausch, a man, a teacher, who died recently, at an early age, from cancer. Between diagnosis and death he recorded an internet anthem, what is called "The Last Lecture". If you haven't seen it - do yourself a favor, take an hour, sit down, click on the video and savor what this man has to say about life.

But that's not what I brought you here for. What I want to talk to you about is the difference between giving up on a relationship and simply letting go. How do you know when you've tried enough? What magic measurement is there that tells you - ok, I've done everything possible, now it's time to head for the exit? When does it go past heroic and into pathetic? Man - if I really had the answer to this I'd be writing a column for the New York Star - ala Carrie Bradshaw. What I do have is some experience, painful and otherwise and the urge to clear my own head about a recent bout of relationshipitis.

The first thing is - you have to believe that you've really tried. If you wave your hands, breathe hard once or twice and then, when it gets tough, you check out, well that's not really trying. Nothing wrong with that - but admit it, you're just sampling. First thing is - it has to hurt. Not just you but that harder kind of hurt, the one where you know you've made someone else's life a little bit tougher. That's a bad feeling. If you're not understanding this then you're a sociopath and you should find another blog.

Next, you've moved into a place where you're examining yourself and who you are. You're dining at the existentialist table and no one's brought you silverware. If you're not shaken to the core by the demise of your relationship, if you clearly see yourself post-partner as happy and sufficient then there's no need for the angst. The question of "are you giving up" versus "are you letting go" really doesn't apply to you. Go rent a villa in Italy, write a book and just be happy. The rest of us will tackle the tough questions, the nitty, gritty details of going face to face with someone we're not sure about everyday.

Still here? OK, the work begins.

Randy had it right - it's about brick walls and asking the question - is this a wall I have to climb? I guess the first answer has to be - alright , it's a wall - that means there's something on the other side. If I do get over it, or through it or under it or discover some previously unknown physical law that lets me transport, I will find , on the other side, what I want. Let me repeat that last triplet. What I Want. If you look at me and and go "gee, I don't know what I want, being with this person is going to solve all my problems" then all I have to say is you're better off buying lottery tickets. May I suggest MegaBucks on Fridays and Saturdays and MassCash on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, try 129 - it's my favorite number.

So you know what you want - this guy or girl fits the bill and figures predominantly into the visions you have of Christmases to come. Well no problem then - just make it work. If they've got issues, particularly that big issue - they don't want to be with you - then it's not a wall; it's a moat, a lake, a sea, an ocean. Maybe you've got a boat but odds are they're seeing beaches you can't reach. Look at the clouds - pay attention to this person just as you would watch the sky for those rolling thunderheads. Why would you sail into a storm? Listen, wait for a better day, they always show up. Be open and accepting and the soft breeze that comes will bring smiles rather than the terror of clinging to the gunwale and being tossed about in waters not of your making. Remember, always - you choose when you sail.

The last scenario is the toughest. It's why I'm sitting here late into the night, nursing a bottle of wine and thinking of you, dear reader. You're both in love. For arguments sake, with each other. Yet something isn't right, it's not working. There's no doubt - you love him and he loves you. Still, every time you interact, you walk away feeling hmmm, not quite right, not what I wanted. There's no obvious problem, the sex is good or at least ok, the conversation, at times engaging. You have mutual friends and you exist as a couple in the eyes of the world. Yet somehow there's something missing.

Here we come to the point - if it's not working then we have to say goodbye - right?

Don't know - (I know you want answers - well, look in the mirror - are you smiling right now?) it's your call but please, there are so many sad relationships out there, built on desperation and convenience - don't settle. Don't be afraid to go on. Examine the situation, understand the conditions you exist in, if they don't suit you then make a decision.

Sometimes you have to give up - it's a key part of self preservation but more often that not, you have to let go of a relationship. That's ok - the secret is to take care of yourself and trust that the other person will do the same . That's the magic. Letting go is the right way to say goodbye. Do it gracefully, with poise and power, bow to your partner and let then know how much you appreciated the dance. Then, once again, pay attention to the music.

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

Been thinking a lot lately about the earth and our sustainability. Certainly something that is on most people's minds as the price of oil rises daily and the availability of affordable food, particularly in the Third World, becomes a major issue bordering on catastrophe. We actually have it pretty good here at home, it's a lot tougher out there kids.

I ran across a riddle on one of my recent journeys. I had to think about it for a while as I was processing the oil crisis, the food crisis and the growing cost of many commodities. Developing economies, both large and small, are ramping up with their own growth which is great. However, more and more, they are beginning to emulate the United States' behavior of consumption. In all of history, no culture has been as voracious as the U.S. in devouring this planet's assets. Now, two more giants, countries with five times the number of people we have, want to start acting like us. What are going to say? Don't do as I did, don't enjoy the wealth of this planet as I have? That's not going to fly.

So the riddle goes like this - "What is it, that the more you take, the more you leave behind?". Clearly a resource we need to exploit in our own inimitable way.

Here's some statistics to flavor the discussion :

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
_
52 would be female
48 would be male
_
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
_
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
_
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
_
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from
the United States.
_
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

- from The Sustainable Living Directory

So - if you're reading this, then you're probably in that last category, the 1 out of 100 who actually has a computer, lucky you.

What's going on here? I think I'm like most people in that I see these type of statistics, or some fashion of them, on a regular basis. I'm aghast at the reality yet I don't feel these numbers in my gut. I'm really not connected to those 99 other people. They don't live in my house, on my street, hell - their kids don't even go to the same school as mine. So why should I worry?

These are hungry people, in so many ways. They want the lifestyle we have, and justifiably so. And they're getting it, they're working hard to match what we have today and take for granted. Technology has shown them a window into the wealth of the western world and they're not going to stop until they too create a lifestyle much like ours. Should we be worried?

Well, it's like this - you're sitting at the soda fountain with your best friend and both of you are totally enjoying that malted shake. As your faces draw near each other, you both take a big pull on your straws and delight in the coolness and the flavor that comes up. So, as you're savoring this, three or four more of your friends come up and stick their straws into that shake and, smiling, they begin to suck away. In fact, since there is only a limited amount of shake every body begins to suck harder to get more in faster. That big shake starts to look mighty small and soon you begin to hear noises, you know, the ones where the liquid at the bottom is mixing with air and you're making those loud slurping sounds. In today's world that equates to market conditions and rising prices. Get used to it.

Are there answers? Sure, I'm a big believer in technology and the ability to deliver alternate resources and more efficient methods of using what we have. The problem is, we're sucking on those straws so hard and so fast that we may not have time to implement the answers before panic sets in. And history teaches us profoundly, panic over resources leads to war amongst nations. This is no laughing matter. The next two decades begin a delicate walk cross a minefield of potential trigger points centering the needs of one country's people versus another.

So back to my riddle. What can we do today, what are the sustainable resources we can tap in to to give us some sorely needed relief.

"What is it, that the more you take, the more you leave behind?"

The answer's easy : love, hope, kindness, compassion ...

These are the resources that are going to get us through these tough times; particulary useful between cultures that clash and compete over the basic right of insuring a better future for their respective children. We need to start mining these now, en masse. Farming them like there's no tomorrow and then exporting them along with all the advertising talent we've mastered in our own growth and seeing that they reach to the farthest points on the planet. Our message, through these emotional resources, has to be - pace the consumption and share responsibly. Doing this, we need to look hard at ourselves, our own lifestyles, and lead by example. This is the way of yoga and many other spiritual practices. It needs to be implemented in a palatable fashion for our general society. This should be our path, our Mahayana.