Song of the Soul

Just saw a movie called Enlighten Up. A very good documentary on one person's search (actually two, the subject and the director) for a transformative experience though the practice of yoga. If it comes to your area and you're at all curious about yoga then you should check it out. If you're the type who thinks about spirituality in general, then there's some darn good points being made here, worth a look.

It really got me to thinking about what is it to have a spiritual quest guiding your sense of purpose, that is, to feel that some portion of your life is spent searching for meaning. I've been struggling with this lately. I'm not even sure what the question is though I know from the feeling of non satiation within that I need something more out of this life than what I learned in school and from my peers and parents.

I have a friend who idea of bliss is to sit out on his back porch tossing down beers and listening to conservative talk radio. This is what makes him happy. He's put in a hard day of work, he has a great relationship with his wife and children and is a pillar in his community. He knows what his life is about and he's happy. He's accomplished what he set out to do. In no way can I fault him, though our political views are quite diametric. In fact, I thoroughly admire him for the strength of his convictions.

As I was going to a meeting this morning I passed a man on the street, a small, gnome of a man with wispy white hair and and grey stubble across his face. He was in fatigues and a t-shirt, bent a bit by a large pack on his back filled to the brim with clothing and a sleeping bag. Around his waist was a utility belt garnished by the accoutrements of one who lives off the land - knife, flashlight, canteen. At first I thought, ok, another homeless guy; the streets of Boston are filled with them, especially near the financial district. But as I passed, I looked at him and we locked eyes for some time. In a flash, I realized, this was not a homeless person, rather this was someone who carried his home with him wherever he traveled. He was completely comfortable with who he was and he was laughing at us, I could tell by the glint in his eye, as we passed by, dressed up in our suits and ties.

All day I thought about this. The little guy on the street seemed happy, my friend, the conservative, a very happy person. What do they have that so many of us don't or at least feel we need to search for? What makes them happy? It occurs to me that these are two individuals who have been successful at defining the boundaries of their being and in doing so are now capable of filling themselves up and taking measurement. Perhaps, happiness is thinking that you're full or near full with experience and you've done what you can to reach the edges of your defined existence. That's not to say that they not capable of experiencing more and newer things but each fresh cognizant tickle now falls neatly into a belief structure that they have built and maintain.

And what of the rest of us, the restless and discombobulated, those who seem to be seeking, yet never quite finding, that inner peace? Are we a different breed or are we missing the boat entirely? Should we just hang our hat on something and say, that's it, I measure everything against this and my degree of happiness is now set to the meniscus of experiences I may have.

My gut (and translate this to mean my ego) says that no, we're searchers and there's a holiness in this act, a justification in terms of the universe keeping an accounting of our endeavors. At some point we get payed back for all this and we get that thing, that stuff, that enlightenment moment, and that, of course, is a neon sign in hot pink pointing to HAPPINESS.

Are you buying this? As I write it out I'm not so sure. What is the end result of this archaeology of the soul? A friend asked me the other day - don't you want to be happy? In truth, I couldn't answer. Would you give up the journey if you knew that at any point you chose to stop, you could plant your flag, set up camp, and happiness would find you. Is it a trade off?

To Emily, Wherever You May Find Her

Dear Emily,

There is no Santa Claus. The good guys don't always win. And that prince you were waiting for - well, he took off with a dancer from Club Pixie. Sometimes Emily, that happy ending is, in reality, a tear soaked pillow.

Emily, it's not that we lied to you, it's just that we never told you the truth. People are complicated and though you may want to believe they all mean well, particularly the ones you've come to love, it's not always the case. By nature the heart wants to reach out, wants to mate. This exists in all , yet also within us there is a cruelty capable of occluding the joy that this communion promises.

These two forces not only coexist but each in turn feeds the other, and the stronger the one, the stronger the twain. We are, dear Emily, a set of conflictions when it comes to relationships. It seems as though when you tap into that point where people start to feel their hearts reaching out then the ego reaches in and it becomes a struggle. Strong emotions call forth strong reactions. We all wrestle with this at some level but there are those who bear psychic scars from the past beyond the norm of teenage angst, who are intrinsically damaged in this area. Love, while never simple, becomes a crowded affair for these people. Love, in some, brings with it an entourage of disdain and scorn.

And listen Emily, listen carefully, when these negative emotions appear they are not aimed at you but because this person cannot find the ability to love themselves, you become the target. Because they connect fear and doubt towards honoring their own being, they transfer this to all things that they may potentially love before those roots can truly grow.

There is no cure that you can bring for this, no pleading, no negotiations. This is who they are. They have to recognize it and know how self denying it is and then, perhaps, change can come from within. Sad as it may seem, the harder you try to reach them, the stronger they feel justified in fleeing from any sense of exposure of their true soul.

Em, there is no yellow brick road. Oz for these people is, in most cases, someone who is more damaged than they are. They increasingly sink into a co-dependent trap of despair, never quite realizing that each iteration takes them further from their true being and the reason they are here for this breath of the life cycle.

Girl, you don't have to follow them down. I know you and I know how strong you can be and how much love you have to give. Find the receptacle for all that joy and hope. Seek a partner to dance with, one who communicates richly, one who can grow as you grow.

This is the dharma we are here for, to give love and take love - not unconditionally, but with grace and good measure. Those who can't and won't, those that challenge others to fill some emptiness inside rather than just accepting love - let them go, without anger. Their journey is tough enough already.

A Man's Reach Should Exceed His Grasp

One of my minor passions is painting. In truth, I have more passion than talent and recently, more ambition than common sense. I've had an recurring image in my mind for the last six months. Finally I've come to admit to myself that I have to tackle it in some fashion - see if I can't capture it in oil. Problem is, I envision it at a certain size, which is four times larger than I've ever painted before.

Well, damn the torpedoes, as they say. I went out and bought the canvas and framers and threw it together so now I have a large blank 6 X 4 canvas sitting at one end of my living room waiting for attention. 24 square feet - it takes up a lot of space and frankly I'm intimidated. Slowly though I've started sketching rough hewn aspects with charcoal. It may take me a while but that's the nature of the game.

I mention this because it's the same pattern for adopting new technology. If you're a small company, just starting out, you have a wealth of choices as far as software to utilize for the various functions you need. In fact, much of it is free, which is truly amazing and more importantly, for a small company, can level the playing field quite a bit. The quality of this free software is in most cases at what we call enterprise level, meaning it's been vetted by corporate IT (information technology) departments who have the cash to really check these puppies out in areas such as security and reliability.

There's a catch though. The software is free but you have to learn how to use it. This is the hidden cost. The more powerful the software, the more complex it is, and the learning curve gets steeper. As an entrepreneur I have to make some key decisions. First I have to have a vision of my corporate infrastructure. What do I need now, what will I need two years from now? What can I afford, much is free, but things like websites and databases have to live somewhere, do I set up my own in an office or do I rent space on a hosting platform. There are literally dozens of questions along these lines.

Second, what do I have time for and where can I do something easier and faster. Today's game is to get up and out with post haste. Once there, you need to run like the wind, so your systems have to be expandable, reliable and most importantly transferable, meaning you can hire someone to come in and pick up what you started.

What you need first and foremost is a image of your company, today and down the road. Picture it as you want to build it, see it as a successful endeavor two years out and then walk the aisles and look around - what are your bottlenecks, what are your people doing, what are your clients requesting? Build today for that image. Frame your painting to the size of your vision and use that to judge how much canvas to buy. Just be prepared to be intimidated for a while as you absorb new technology.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat"

In the movie, Jaws, the police chief, played by Roy Sheider, is throwing chum out the back of the boat, into the water. His attention is on a conversation with the other two crew members, the captain and the researcher, Hooper. As he turns back to look out towards the ocean, the shark, following the boat unseen, surges forward and up, an enormous set of teeth filling the screen. The police chief staggers backwards stunned and, turning to the captain, says "we're gonna need a bigger boat".

I had lofty intentions at the start of this blog. I wanted to track the intersection of technology and society, cook it up a bit, throw in a few spiritual biscuits, and call it a meal. Doesn't seem to be working. I feel like I'm getting overly self absorbed. I'd like to get away from that, or at least justify it, and yet still find a way to concentrate on the things that I find interesting. It's a struggle. What I need is a bigger boat.

So moving forward I'm going to write more about trying to bring yoga further into my life. This is what interests me. On the topic of technology, there's plenty of cool stuff out there but much it has no heart. It's a fun game and lord knows I like building stuff as much as the next cat but often in the past I've completed a complex software system and spent weeks wondering why I felt like I just wasted my time. Sure, it paid the bills and it's making some company a lot of money but for me it was six months or a year of my life with not a lot of pleasure and really not a lot for me to remember and savor.

I want to enjoy what I'm doing here. More importantly, I'd like to get more enjoyment out of this life - for that I feel I need something like yoga. I'm slowly putting myself back together, piece by piece. The parts don't all fit and I'm throwing away what I don't need. It's a painful process. I'm only now learning how to trust people. I have much gratitude for the community of friends I have discovered through yoga and the few that have put up with me over the years. I have a great love for them, something I could never say before.

An integral part of the redesign and rehabilitation of my life is starting my own company. My second attempt at this. The embers from the first company are completely cool now and I'd like to take what I've learned from that and the insights I'm gaining through yoga and see if I can't get it right this time. So as a blog, we're switching directions here. I'm taking yoga into the corporate and entrepreneurial world and I'm going to see how it fares. More importantly, and maybe more interestingly, I'm going to see what it's like to build a company using the tenets of yoga and other spiritual practices. I'm going to be a chronicler of this. This blog, a record of the journey.

It's a bigger boat but one that I can steer, and I know these seas a bit. It should be fun heading out into deep waters.