Time To Check Your Dance Cards

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people."

This has become one of my favorite quotes. It's by Randy Pausch, a man, a teacher, who died recently, at an early age, from cancer. Between diagnosis and death he recorded an internet anthem, what is called "The Last Lecture". If you haven't seen it - do yourself a favor, take an hour, sit down, click on the video and savor what this man has to say about life.

But that's not what I brought you here for. What I want to talk to you about is the difference between giving up on a relationship and simply letting go. How do you know when you've tried enough? What magic measurement is there that tells you - ok, I've done everything possible, now it's time to head for the exit? When does it go past heroic and into pathetic? Man - if I really had the answer to this I'd be writing a column for the New York Star - ala Carrie Bradshaw. What I do have is some experience, painful and otherwise and the urge to clear my own head about a recent bout of relationshipitis.

The first thing is - you have to believe that you've really tried. If you wave your hands, breathe hard once or twice and then, when it gets tough, you check out, well that's not really trying. Nothing wrong with that - but admit it, you're just sampling. First thing is - it has to hurt. Not just you but that harder kind of hurt, the one where you know you've made someone else's life a little bit tougher. That's a bad feeling. If you're not understanding this then you're a sociopath and you should find another blog.

Next, you've moved into a place where you're examining yourself and who you are. You're dining at the existentialist table and no one's brought you silverware. If you're not shaken to the core by the demise of your relationship, if you clearly see yourself post-partner as happy and sufficient then there's no need for the angst. The question of "are you giving up" versus "are you letting go" really doesn't apply to you. Go rent a villa in Italy, write a book and just be happy. The rest of us will tackle the tough questions, the nitty, gritty details of going face to face with someone we're not sure about everyday.

Still here? OK, the work begins.

Randy had it right - it's about brick walls and asking the question - is this a wall I have to climb? I guess the first answer has to be - alright , it's a wall - that means there's something on the other side. If I do get over it, or through it or under it or discover some previously unknown physical law that lets me transport, I will find , on the other side, what I want. Let me repeat that last triplet. What I Want. If you look at me and and go "gee, I don't know what I want, being with this person is going to solve all my problems" then all I have to say is you're better off buying lottery tickets. May I suggest MegaBucks on Fridays and Saturdays and MassCash on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, try 129 - it's my favorite number.

So you know what you want - this guy or girl fits the bill and figures predominantly into the visions you have of Christmases to come. Well no problem then - just make it work. If they've got issues, particularly that big issue - they don't want to be with you - then it's not a wall; it's a moat, a lake, a sea, an ocean. Maybe you've got a boat but odds are they're seeing beaches you can't reach. Look at the clouds - pay attention to this person just as you would watch the sky for those rolling thunderheads. Why would you sail into a storm? Listen, wait for a better day, they always show up. Be open and accepting and the soft breeze that comes will bring smiles rather than the terror of clinging to the gunwale and being tossed about in waters not of your making. Remember, always - you choose when you sail.

The last scenario is the toughest. It's why I'm sitting here late into the night, nursing a bottle of wine and thinking of you, dear reader. You're both in love. For arguments sake, with each other. Yet something isn't right, it's not working. There's no doubt - you love him and he loves you. Still, every time you interact, you walk away feeling hmmm, not quite right, not what I wanted. There's no obvious problem, the sex is good or at least ok, the conversation, at times engaging. You have mutual friends and you exist as a couple in the eyes of the world. Yet somehow there's something missing.

Here we come to the point - if it's not working then we have to say goodbye - right?

Don't know - (I know you want answers - well, look in the mirror - are you smiling right now?) it's your call but please, there are so many sad relationships out there, built on desperation and convenience - don't settle. Don't be afraid to go on. Examine the situation, understand the conditions you exist in, if they don't suit you then make a decision.

Sometimes you have to give up - it's a key part of self preservation but more often that not, you have to let go of a relationship. That's ok - the secret is to take care of yourself and trust that the other person will do the same . That's the magic. Letting go is the right way to say goodbye. Do it gracefully, with poise and power, bow to your partner and let then know how much you appreciated the dance. Then, once again, pay attention to the music.