A Cartesian Kind of Love

They say everything can be plotted on a graph. Given the right set of axes, x, y, z, etc and enough points and you can even predict the next spot on the coordinate system where an event will occur. This comes from a man named Descartes back in the 17th century. It was a by-product of his search for God and meaning in life. It's a foundation of our scientific knowledge.

As a culture we've taken it up implicitly. We search for the x, y and z trajectory that supplies meaning to our activities. 'Our history predicts our outcome'. 'My former behavior speaks to my current actions'. 'This is who I am so this is how I react'. 'I'm this way because of my parents, old relationships, long ago events, traumatic or otherwise, that have formed my psyche', and now you move through life governed by these causations. It's a powerful argument, books and books have been offered for both pro and con but no one denies that we look to our past to understand our future.

The real question is - does it get us to where we want to go? Invariably the answer is no. We wake up still with an unease of who we are. With a hunger for something more, perhaps not quite sure what. Too often we look to this diagram of our life and see, ah - that worked briefly before maybe I should try it again. Or we make radical statements to ourselves and others - no I must change, I must plot a point somewhere unexpected, some random position that shows I do indeed control my life. Of course there's no true randomness here, the search to fill that emptiness always points you in a known direction.

I've struggled with this quite a bit over the years and I have a feeling, though perhaps not an answer, about this conundrum. I believe that there is only one axis that counts, forget about the x, y and z stuff. The one true axis is called Love. Love for myself, love for my place in the universe, love for all those that I encounter.

Truthfully, it rarely works as I would like but it's something I keep in mind whenever I take action nowadays. I ask myself - am I doing something that I love rather than have to, am I interacting with someone out of love or with a more base reason, am I accepting of what happens to me and when I do push back is love involved or something less?.

It's a simple graph at this point and the further I stray from that one path the more I question myself. I won't say that I'm totally happy but I've found a greater pleasure with my progress than I have in years. I accept a lot more that previously would have left me cold and bent on revenge or bewildered and spinning off into some world of self deprecation. When I come back to Love I find a consistent measurement for where I want to go and who I want to be. The vector is simple, it's a strong, solid line pointing in a focused direction. As it guides me I also let it define me, allowing my confidence to be built upon the knowledge that the next point plotted is with Love and will not be a bad position regardless of all around me.

As I travel further along these lines my concept of what Love is grows. Previously it was simply humane, acts of kindness and such, the care I give to those close to me. Now I'm starting to feel that there is a deeper sense of spirituality based on Love, a greater way of being and the actions that come from this are even more powerful. Albeit it's only in spurts and much too often I'm drawn back to that old system of measurement - how am I doing in accords with my past, what have I accomplished, what am I controlling and achieving, who is paying attention to me?

At times I sit along the shore and gaze out upon the infinite sea. Inside I feel a deep longing, a call to grace as if at once I need to be moving and yet be still. There is an inner voice that whispers incessantly to me, somewhere out there lies holiness, somewhere true understanding. And then I look across the sand and smile at all the castles being built, all the people intent on their endeavors, intricate in their architectures, consumed by the towers, moats and walls. Occasionally I join in, molding my own structures, pleased at the result and laughing in turn at the pure folly of building and caring to build; for there is always a tide, always a force that sweeps across our simple efforts reminding us once again, pay attention to the infinite sea.