Aeturnum

Of no needs have I, he said,
nor wants, desires, envy.
I'll take my company with the dead
and whither God may send me.

So late the thoughts of you have stayed
to feed my tired dreams.
At night I cry before I pray
to gods I've never seen.

This is a hard time of year for me. Long ago, in another place, I watched someone, whom I loved deeply and fought with voraciously, destroy themselves. Their inner anguish broke through and the years of hidden self loathing had become a bath of despair. Substance abuse was the requisite escape until finally it became, not an alleviation for the pain, but an answer to the problem.

I had done what I could to get her through another tough holiday season. The holidays, with expectations, memories and hauntings were always a dark domain. I left, thinking that we'd made it yet again, perhaps a new year entailed a new hope. When you're drowning, you don't stop to consider what it is that you've grasped with all your might. All you can do is will it to hold you up, to support you, and pray.

The body was in a coma for a week until I made the decision to end its journey; the soul had left long before that, of this I'm sure. I didn't cry then, I couldn't. I could just move and keep moving. I guess I still am.