To Emily, Wherever You May Find Her

Dear Emily,

There is no Santa Claus. The good guys don't always win. And that prince you were waiting for - well, he took off with a dancer from Club Pixie. Sometimes Emily, that happy ending is, in reality, a tear soaked pillow.

Emily, it's not that we lied to you, it's just that we never told you the truth. People are complicated and though you may want to believe they all mean well, particularly the ones you've come to love, it's not always the case. By nature the heart wants to reach out, wants to mate. This exists in all , yet also within us there is a cruelty capable of occluding the joy that this communion promises.

These two forces not only coexist but each in turn feeds the other, and the stronger the one, the stronger the twain. We are, dear Emily, a set of conflictions when it comes to relationships. It seems as though when you tap into that point where people start to feel their hearts reaching out then the ego reaches in and it becomes a struggle. Strong emotions call forth strong reactions. We all wrestle with this at some level but there are those who bear psychic scars from the past beyond the norm of teenage angst, who are intrinsically damaged in this area. Love, while never simple, becomes a crowded affair for these people. Love, in some, brings with it an entourage of disdain and scorn.

And listen Emily, listen carefully, when these negative emotions appear they are not aimed at you but because this person cannot find the ability to love themselves, you become the target. Because they connect fear and doubt towards honoring their own being, they transfer this to all things that they may potentially love before those roots can truly grow.

There is no cure that you can bring for this, no pleading, no negotiations. This is who they are. They have to recognize it and know how self denying it is and then, perhaps, change can come from within. Sad as it may seem, the harder you try to reach them, the stronger they feel justified in fleeing from any sense of exposure of their true soul.

Em, there is no yellow brick road. Oz for these people is, in most cases, someone who is more damaged than they are. They increasingly sink into a co-dependent trap of despair, never quite realizing that each iteration takes them further from their true being and the reason they are here for this breath of the life cycle.

Girl, you don't have to follow them down. I know you and I know how strong you can be and how much love you have to give. Find the receptacle for all that joy and hope. Seek a partner to dance with, one who communicates richly, one who can grow as you grow.

This is the dharma we are here for, to give love and take love - not unconditionally, but with grace and good measure. Those who can't and won't, those that challenge others to fill some emptiness inside rather than just accepting love - let them go, without anger. Their journey is tough enough already.

A Man's Reach Should Exceed His Grasp

One of my minor passions is painting. In truth, I have more passion than talent and recently, more ambition than common sense. I've had an recurring image in my mind for the last six months. Finally I've come to admit to myself that I have to tackle it in some fashion - see if I can't capture it in oil. Problem is, I envision it at a certain size, which is four times larger than I've ever painted before.

Well, damn the torpedoes, as they say. I went out and bought the canvas and framers and threw it together so now I have a large blank 6 X 4 canvas sitting at one end of my living room waiting for attention. 24 square feet - it takes up a lot of space and frankly I'm intimidated. Slowly though I've started sketching rough hewn aspects with charcoal. It may take me a while but that's the nature of the game.

I mention this because it's the same pattern for adopting new technology. If you're a small company, just starting out, you have a wealth of choices as far as software to utilize for the various functions you need. In fact, much of it is free, which is truly amazing and more importantly, for a small company, can level the playing field quite a bit. The quality of this free software is in most cases at what we call enterprise level, meaning it's been vetted by corporate IT (information technology) departments who have the cash to really check these puppies out in areas such as security and reliability.

There's a catch though. The software is free but you have to learn how to use it. This is the hidden cost. The more powerful the software, the more complex it is, and the learning curve gets steeper. As an entrepreneur I have to make some key decisions. First I have to have a vision of my corporate infrastructure. What do I need now, what will I need two years from now? What can I afford, much is free, but things like websites and databases have to live somewhere, do I set up my own in an office or do I rent space on a hosting platform. There are literally dozens of questions along these lines.

Second, what do I have time for and where can I do something easier and faster. Today's game is to get up and out with post haste. Once there, you need to run like the wind, so your systems have to be expandable, reliable and most importantly transferable, meaning you can hire someone to come in and pick up what you started.

What you need first and foremost is a image of your company, today and down the road. Picture it as you want to build it, see it as a successful endeavor two years out and then walk the aisles and look around - what are your bottlenecks, what are your people doing, what are your clients requesting? Build today for that image. Frame your painting to the size of your vision and use that to judge how much canvas to buy. Just be prepared to be intimidated for a while as you absorb new technology.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat"

In the movie, Jaws, the police chief, played by Roy Sheider, is throwing chum out the back of the boat, into the water. His attention is on a conversation with the other two crew members, the captain and the researcher, Hooper. As he turns back to look out towards the ocean, the shark, following the boat unseen, surges forward and up, an enormous set of teeth filling the screen. The police chief staggers backwards stunned and, turning to the captain, says "we're gonna need a bigger boat".

I had lofty intentions at the start of this blog. I wanted to track the intersection of technology and society, cook it up a bit, throw in a few spiritual biscuits, and call it a meal. Doesn't seem to be working. I feel like I'm getting overly self absorbed. I'd like to get away from that, or at least justify it, and yet still find a way to concentrate on the things that I find interesting. It's a struggle. What I need is a bigger boat.

So moving forward I'm going to write more about trying to bring yoga further into my life. This is what interests me. On the topic of technology, there's plenty of cool stuff out there but much it has no heart. It's a fun game and lord knows I like building stuff as much as the next cat but often in the past I've completed a complex software system and spent weeks wondering why I felt like I just wasted my time. Sure, it paid the bills and it's making some company a lot of money but for me it was six months or a year of my life with not a lot of pleasure and really not a lot for me to remember and savor.

I want to enjoy what I'm doing here. More importantly, I'd like to get more enjoyment out of this life - for that I feel I need something like yoga. I'm slowly putting myself back together, piece by piece. The parts don't all fit and I'm throwing away what I don't need. It's a painful process. I'm only now learning how to trust people. I have much gratitude for the community of friends I have discovered through yoga and the few that have put up with me over the years. I have a great love for them, something I could never say before.

An integral part of the redesign and rehabilitation of my life is starting my own company. My second attempt at this. The embers from the first company are completely cool now and I'd like to take what I've learned from that and the insights I'm gaining through yoga and see if I can't get it right this time. So as a blog, we're switching directions here. I'm taking yoga into the corporate and entrepreneurial world and I'm going to see how it fares. More importantly, and maybe more interestingly, I'm going to see what it's like to build a company using the tenets of yoga and other spiritual practices. I'm going to be a chronicler of this. This blog, a record of the journey.

It's a bigger boat but one that I can steer, and I know these seas a bit. It should be fun heading out into deep waters.

Time To Check Your Dance Cards

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people."

This has become one of my favorite quotes. It's by Randy Pausch, a man, a teacher, who died recently, at an early age, from cancer. Between diagnosis and death he recorded an internet anthem, what is called "The Last Lecture". If you haven't seen it - do yourself a favor, take an hour, sit down, click on the video and savor what this man has to say about life.

But that's not what I brought you here for. What I want to talk to you about is the difference between giving up on a relationship and simply letting go. How do you know when you've tried enough? What magic measurement is there that tells you - ok, I've done everything possible, now it's time to head for the exit? When does it go past heroic and into pathetic? Man - if I really had the answer to this I'd be writing a column for the New York Star - ala Carrie Bradshaw. What I do have is some experience, painful and otherwise and the urge to clear my own head about a recent bout of relationshipitis.

The first thing is - you have to believe that you've really tried. If you wave your hands, breathe hard once or twice and then, when it gets tough, you check out, well that's not really trying. Nothing wrong with that - but admit it, you're just sampling. First thing is - it has to hurt. Not just you but that harder kind of hurt, the one where you know you've made someone else's life a little bit tougher. That's a bad feeling. If you're not understanding this then you're a sociopath and you should find another blog.

Next, you've moved into a place where you're examining yourself and who you are. You're dining at the existentialist table and no one's brought you silverware. If you're not shaken to the core by the demise of your relationship, if you clearly see yourself post-partner as happy and sufficient then there's no need for the angst. The question of "are you giving up" versus "are you letting go" really doesn't apply to you. Go rent a villa in Italy, write a book and just be happy. The rest of us will tackle the tough questions, the nitty, gritty details of going face to face with someone we're not sure about everyday.

Still here? OK, the work begins.

Randy had it right - it's about brick walls and asking the question - is this a wall I have to climb? I guess the first answer has to be - alright , it's a wall - that means there's something on the other side. If I do get over it, or through it or under it or discover some previously unknown physical law that lets me transport, I will find , on the other side, what I want. Let me repeat that last triplet. What I Want. If you look at me and and go "gee, I don't know what I want, being with this person is going to solve all my problems" then all I have to say is you're better off buying lottery tickets. May I suggest MegaBucks on Fridays and Saturdays and MassCash on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, try 129 - it's my favorite number.

So you know what you want - this guy or girl fits the bill and figures predominantly into the visions you have of Christmases to come. Well no problem then - just make it work. If they've got issues, particularly that big issue - they don't want to be with you - then it's not a wall; it's a moat, a lake, a sea, an ocean. Maybe you've got a boat but odds are they're seeing beaches you can't reach. Look at the clouds - pay attention to this person just as you would watch the sky for those rolling thunderheads. Why would you sail into a storm? Listen, wait for a better day, they always show up. Be open and accepting and the soft breeze that comes will bring smiles rather than the terror of clinging to the gunwale and being tossed about in waters not of your making. Remember, always - you choose when you sail.

The last scenario is the toughest. It's why I'm sitting here late into the night, nursing a bottle of wine and thinking of you, dear reader. You're both in love. For arguments sake, with each other. Yet something isn't right, it's not working. There's no doubt - you love him and he loves you. Still, every time you interact, you walk away feeling hmmm, not quite right, not what I wanted. There's no obvious problem, the sex is good or at least ok, the conversation, at times engaging. You have mutual friends and you exist as a couple in the eyes of the world. Yet somehow there's something missing.

Here we come to the point - if it's not working then we have to say goodbye - right?

Don't know - (I know you want answers - well, look in the mirror - are you smiling right now?) it's your call but please, there are so many sad relationships out there, built on desperation and convenience - don't settle. Don't be afraid to go on. Examine the situation, understand the conditions you exist in, if they don't suit you then make a decision.

Sometimes you have to give up - it's a key part of self preservation but more often that not, you have to let go of a relationship. That's ok - the secret is to take care of yourself and trust that the other person will do the same . That's the magic. Letting go is the right way to say goodbye. Do it gracefully, with poise and power, bow to your partner and let then know how much you appreciated the dance. Then, once again, pay attention to the music.

Where Have All The Flowers Gone?

Been thinking a lot lately about the earth and our sustainability. Certainly something that is on most people's minds as the price of oil rises daily and the availability of affordable food, particularly in the Third World, becomes a major issue bordering on catastrophe. We actually have it pretty good here at home, it's a lot tougher out there kids.

I ran across a riddle on one of my recent journeys. I had to think about it for a while as I was processing the oil crisis, the food crisis and the growing cost of many commodities. Developing economies, both large and small, are ramping up with their own growth which is great. However, more and more, they are beginning to emulate the United States' behavior of consumption. In all of history, no culture has been as voracious as the U.S. in devouring this planet's assets. Now, two more giants, countries with five times the number of people we have, want to start acting like us. What are going to say? Don't do as I did, don't enjoy the wealth of this planet as I have? That's not going to fly.

So the riddle goes like this - "What is it, that the more you take, the more you leave behind?". Clearly a resource we need to exploit in our own inimitable way.

Here's some statistics to flavor the discussion :

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
_
52 would be female
48 would be male
_
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
_
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
_
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
_
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from
the United States.
_
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

- from The Sustainable Living Directory

So - if you're reading this, then you're probably in that last category, the 1 out of 100 who actually has a computer, lucky you.

What's going on here? I think I'm like most people in that I see these type of statistics, or some fashion of them, on a regular basis. I'm aghast at the reality yet I don't feel these numbers in my gut. I'm really not connected to those 99 other people. They don't live in my house, on my street, hell - their kids don't even go to the same school as mine. So why should I worry?

These are hungry people, in so many ways. They want the lifestyle we have, and justifiably so. And they're getting it, they're working hard to match what we have today and take for granted. Technology has shown them a window into the wealth of the western world and they're not going to stop until they too create a lifestyle much like ours. Should we be worried?

Well, it's like this - you're sitting at the soda fountain with your best friend and both of you are totally enjoying that malted shake. As your faces draw near each other, you both take a big pull on your straws and delight in the coolness and the flavor that comes up. So, as you're savoring this, three or four more of your friends come up and stick their straws into that shake and, smiling, they begin to suck away. In fact, since there is only a limited amount of shake every body begins to suck harder to get more in faster. That big shake starts to look mighty small and soon you begin to hear noises, you know, the ones where the liquid at the bottom is mixing with air and you're making those loud slurping sounds. In today's world that equates to market conditions and rising prices. Get used to it.

Are there answers? Sure, I'm a big believer in technology and the ability to deliver alternate resources and more efficient methods of using what we have. The problem is, we're sucking on those straws so hard and so fast that we may not have time to implement the answers before panic sets in. And history teaches us profoundly, panic over resources leads to war amongst nations. This is no laughing matter. The next two decades begin a delicate walk cross a minefield of potential trigger points centering the needs of one country's people versus another.

So back to my riddle. What can we do today, what are the sustainable resources we can tap in to to give us some sorely needed relief.

"What is it, that the more you take, the more you leave behind?"

The answer's easy : love, hope, kindness, compassion ...

These are the resources that are going to get us through these tough times; particulary useful between cultures that clash and compete over the basic right of insuring a better future for their respective children. We need to start mining these now, en masse. Farming them like there's no tomorrow and then exporting them along with all the advertising talent we've mastered in our own growth and seeing that they reach to the farthest points on the planet. Our message, through these emotional resources, has to be - pace the consumption and share responsibly. Doing this, we need to look hard at ourselves, our own lifestyles, and lead by example. This is the way of yoga and many other spiritual practices. It needs to be implemented in a palatable fashion for our general society. This should be our path, our Mahayana.

When You're Skating On Thin Ice, You Might As Well Dance

If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path.

"When Things Fall Apart" - Pema Chödrön

Poetry Just Is

There's a new Poet Laureate in our country, she takes over in the fall. Her name is Kay Ryan and I do believe she's my favorite yet. Without further ado, here is a sampling of her work. The words speak for themselves.

Hide and Seek

It’s hard
to jump out
instead of
waiting to be
found. It’s
hard to be
alone so long
and then hear
someone come
around. It’s
like some form
of skin’s developed
in the air
that, rather
than have torn,
you tear.


The Well or the Cup

How can
you tell
at the start
what you
can give away
and what
you must hold
to your heart.
What is
the well
and what is
a cup. Some
people get
drunk up.


The Niagara River

As though
the river were
a floor, we position
our table and chairs
upon it, eat, and
have conversation.
As it moves along,
we notice—as
calmly as though
dining room paintings
were being replaced—
the changing scenes
along the shore. We
do know, we do
know this is the
Niagara River, but
it is hard to remember
what that means

Things Shouldn't Be So Hard

A life should leave
Deep tracks:
ruts where she went out and back
to get the mail
or move the hose
around the yard;
where she used to
stand before the sink,
a worn-out place;
beneath her hand
the china knobs
rubbed down to
white pastilles
the switch she
used to feel for
in the dark
almost erased.
Her things should
keep her marks.
The passage
of a life should show;
It should abrade.
And when life stops,
a certain space-
however small-
should be left scarred
by the grand and
Damaging parade
Things shouldn't
Be so hard.

A CAT/A FUTURE

A cat can draw
the blinds
behind her eyes
whenever she
decides. Nothing
alters in the stare
itself but she's
not there. Likewise
a future can occlude:
still sitting there,
doing nothing rude.